My mountain top

That day changed it all. I stepped up to the peak I was so familiar with, but for such different reasons under such an extreme circumstance. It was my choice to take, one I could not afford to take lightly. From there I took in the view of my world once again, this time with a different agenda.

What now?
Was my simple question. Just two words, but with unspeakable significance. I stood unsure, awaiting the one answer to make or break. With every growing minute the wind bit deeper, unrelenting and unforgiving, but still my question was left hanging, eroding the edges of my patience and faith.

WHAT NOW?
I screamed, willing someone, something to reply my desperate cry. Hope seeped out of me with every breath, it felt like I was left on a distant battlefield, bleeding to death. I no longer had it within me to weep, no longer any reason to believe. From my mind, it became all to clear, there was only one path to take away the pain. A prisoner broken and defeated, no longer afraid of the prospect of the gallows. Each step felt surreal, simply too emotionless. Now I was right on the edge of the cliff with certain death awaiting below, was this truly the only solution?

Oh, you silly silly child. Have you forgotten?
That voice I knew so well, with its distinct firm tone yet filled with love and compassion never ending. It called out through the fog, enveloping me in a wave of comfort and assurance.
You have never been alone through this all, not even for a moment. For it is I who has never left you, and you who forgot Me. Everything, I let happen for a reason. Every problem carefully selected.

But, why? Why put me through all that pain when it was something I was never able to survive?

Because you were growing arrogant. You had forgotten your initial purpose, your shield and your attack. It is not that you are unable to conquer the problems, it is that you are unwilling to. To give up your selfish thoughts and rely on Me. Only with me will you have your strength. For alone your power is but so little, with me, there is no end to possibility. And you, you my dearest child, have misplaced your hope. Forgotten that it was love that first saved you, forgotten the love that sparked your fire, forgotten the sweet sweet joy that is your strength. Every obstacle I place before you is a challenge, not a dead end. Every circumstance requiring a new brand of faith. And I know you are ready for it, if only you trusted, If only you dared. 'For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'. And now fight, fight with a vigor renewed, because I'll never leave your side.

This time there was no stopping the tears, kneeling on that mountain top, regretting my foolishness. Within me my purpose, once lost, and now found. I'll hang on tight till the end of days.

The world needs no pity.

This world has an agenda, to destroy all traces of hope, love, joy and peace. Simply put, everything I live for. It's an outright war, no holds barred. Every weapon may be thrown against me and every curse muttered, but I won't give in. Before me is the greatest defence ever created, in my hand the most powerful weapon. But most importantly, within me, an everlasting fire. It may not be humanly possible to conquer every battle, but so long as the war is won.

My room.

That familiar mess. Everything's in the right spot, but it still looks unpleasant to the eye. The bookshelf full of memories, my earlier days. The feel of my thin mattress on the tough wood planks, not the softest bed in the world, but undoubtedly one that brings me my daily reserve. And of course the security of the bed above, defending me from the monsters up high. My faithful bedside fan, never failing to offer me some relief from the sweltering heat of tropical living, it's gentle comforting oscillations. the fading yellow of my three walls, not the sunny yellow they used to be, more like an off-white tone now. But still the green wall is my favorite. Like creamy green apples. And of course there's my source of entertainment, rarely failing to assist me in avoiding dreadful thoughts and at times giving me the concentration i so often need. My wardrobe, seeing how much is has changed and grown over the years together with me, probably one of the few things that has to constantly keep up with my life. The new aroma in the room, strawberries. Pleasant.

My take on the world.

My troubles in life have once again resurfaced. No, it's not that the world's crashing and all. It's just me, deviating from my chosen path. When I get too comfortable with my surroundings, when everything goes too smooth, I lower my defenses. 

I'm taking it all a little too lightly, shortchanging where I should not, compromising where it is dangerous. Responsibility has lost it's meaning. And that is only unfair to the rest of the world. 

The story of this boy's life is still on the production line and will not conclude just yet. 

I'd never trade it for anything.

There is nothing in this world I would rather have. 

For neither power nor money could be exchanged for my life. How much there is  for me to smile about. 

For there is none other I would rather live for

There is no other life I would rather have

There are no other friends I could ever hope to be with

There is no greater honor I could ever behold

There is nothing else I would have the patience for

This is me. 

I know only too well. Sometimes watching from afar is more than enough. Why not save yourself the trouble. From time to time I blame myself, but that would be pointless. After all the decision always seems right at first glance. But then you step back and you look, not unlike a movie. Then, then it truly is truth as simple as it gets. When things look too good to be true, look again. 

I don't take defeat easy.

Ok, let me state this clear out. I don't like being beaten. 

Hmmm I have yet to get my diary, I better do so soon and not continue wasting my bursts of inspiration. 

Don't make promises you can't afford to, avoid disappointing others. 

Brainstorm

Thankfulness. End of world. Joy. Patience. Peace. Youthfulness. Love. Wisdom. Troubles. 

That's just me thinking bout themes....

Honestly, I'm a perfectionist. I go out there with nothing but victory in mind. 

Undisputed?

Well looking at the results, it couldn't be more obvious, there is only one true champion :D

THANKS THANKS THANKS

1) To my very solid defence, 5 clean sheets? wow man.

2) The very nice and high supporters :) morale means a lot, and you guys sure showed us that. 

3) Of course, the rest of the team for playing the way we asked, where we asked, your effort, your skills. 11 Goal difference? Awesome.

4) The other teams for being absolutely sporting and fair. It was fun for us all. 

Get me a map

Cuz every time I bother to think my thoughts drift back to where they've always been. I don't perceive I would ever have my way. I don't hope for anything more. I don't believe in anything less. More often than not the tough decision is the right one. I'm just not prepared to take that one step that will set everything into motion. I fear falling back, I feel impeding failure. 

Waste life away.

Ok blogger's being really weird right now, but oh heck. I'll try to post anyway.

My life's becoming fun yet dead. Contradictory, yes I know. You see, now my day goes like this. Class, soccer, read book, sleep. Well add in the odd meal and random conversation here and there, but that's basically it! and then I've got absolutely no mood to do anything else after my tiring day of soccer. Not even shooting anymore. 

Oh bugger it, soccer craze will die out when exam period comes I suppose, somewhere else to channel my depleting energy.

Bend it

Rules rules rules. Troublesome. Pointless. Malleable.

Why not for this once, bend the rules for me. The test of authority is a tough one. Especially for me. Well for one, I am a stubborn teen. And I am one to seek logic , but for only as far as it may exist. Reasoning and justification is my game, and they don't play it well. 

Sometimes, it's way tough listening to authority. We all go through it from time to time. So how do we cope? How do we obey authority and trust in it even when we see no reason to? Quite simply, we can all just believe and have faith that whatever is imposed upon us is for our own good. However, anyone with a functioning brain doesn't quite work that way. 

Then, how else do we go about handling authority in our life? The answer is to challenge authority. However, caution must be observed while doing so. When you do so wish to challenge authority, there are a few conditions. One must be sincere, honest and willing to accept the final verdict. That's just the start of it, but I don't quite have the time to go too deep. 

Sincerity. Why? If you want to convince and audience to be persuaded by you, they must know that you mean all of what you say. Not just mean it, but believe totally that you are in the right and am not sitting on the fence. Obviously, do not do this to the extent where you denounce the opposition's or authority's reasoning without giving it proper thought. When someone sees how sincerely you feel for a cause, they would be more willing to sympathize with you and perhaps start to see things through your eyes. That would be most useful. 

Honesty. A case backed on lies is like building a bridge with biscuits. In order to ensure that you aren't caught off guard, tell only the truth. One simple fact, the truth shall set you free. Lying to gain sympathy can only backfire with overwhelming vengeance, not exactly very helpful when it comes to winning an argument. 

Lastly, being willing to accept the verdict whichever way it may go. Nobody ever likes a sore loser. Sure there would be disappointment, but if the law says so, what more can you do? This would also ensure you remain calm and composed, useful if you wish to return before the same authority again one day with your dignity and image in place. Life works in ways we do not understand, so just work with what you've got. Best to get on with it.

Old Friend

You know, I really really really really miss having a dog D: I miss Zoey already. Is that how her name is spelt? Don't matter, just that cute dog I was peeling GRAPES for just now, how nice of me. Dogs make great friends you know, when you got no friggin human to talk to. Ok, I guess right now I'm just rambling. Got loads on my mind and don't wanna think about it. LALALALA

Ok, right now I'm quite looking forward to debate and soccer. Some activity in my life.

Timing is everything.

Well there is a perfect plan for everything. Just when that plan will unfurl. life is tough, albeit enjoyable. All in good time, the pieces will fall into place. Or so I have faith. Things I hold dear.

From the castle Cair Paravel, and around the world. I need to live up to my name, my purpose. 

Huh?

Right now, when I'm here knocking, please open up. I'm looking for my best friend whom I've so badly neglected. 

You made me a promise, many in fact. Now please, I really need them. For I know nothing is impossible through the power of your love. Give me wings to soar like an eagle. Bring me back to the heart of worship, where peace will find me all over again. Let me never grow still and rusty. There's no place I'd rather be, no hope I'd rather have, no one I could have more faith in. 

I need a best friend. Stop living the life of a nomad. But it's now too much a part of me. Yet again it's not a problem of finding a solution, but rather embracing it. 

Perhaps perhaps

Right now what I really want is a break, to re-find my misplaced identity. Nope, I haven't lost it, just... momentarily forgotten. Time to rethink a bit, make some decisions on who what and when. I need a diary, I need a plan. Kinda feeling like the world's starting to leave me behind, and I'm wandering from place to place aimlessly. It's like looking for wood in a forest, it's all around you, but you can't get it. With all that I'm blessed with, is this the best I can do? No way. 

Nothing quite like the morning papers.

It's amazing how well reading captivates my emotions. I feel for the characters, I contemplate the situation. A love-hate relationship between myself and reading, sometimes there is such anger towards the characters that I just wanna put down the book, but yet, such excitement that I lose sleep over it. Amazing isn't it? Great authors. 

Absolute disgust towards these acts of terror. Why would anyone; or rather, how could anyone ever bring themselves to take lives in such a gruesome manner. Death in itself is painful enough but yet they have to make it worse. Is there no more sanity left in he who allows this carnage? Well, if that's what the world has come to, why not let the end of the world come a little earlier. Least it would save me the outburst of fury. Brainless losers, every last one of em'. 

Me like Puma

Retail therapy does work O.O

Well, I had a plan for my post today. But sadly, that plan's been forgotten. I'm not gonna talk about the fruits of the spirit, neither am I gonna talk about my day. So what else is there for me to say? 

So much truth in what you said just now, how there's a limit to how much we dare say. But still, I can't be bothered to note it down elsewhere. 

More or less, I keep myself distracted. More or less, I fail. Suspense kills I tell ya. 

Oh right, I LIKE PUMAAAAA :D woohoo

So I was right... it is that simple to leave another behind. Disgust,

I can't stop thinking about you.

My thoughts return to those days, 2 years ago, was it? I miss the voice, even if I've long since forgotten the words. I still do remember that one time you were so freaked out being alone at home, haha and I was laughing at you for thinking too much about the weird noises. I still remember how left out I felt when I learnt of the news at the start of yester-year, I thought you'd forgotten all about me. But then things changed and then it was ups and downs here and there. The more I think about it the more links I see. Him, her, them, we. Perhaps it was all pre determined. I can't go to sleep like that :/ 

I'll stay till the end even if it meant my life. 

That's just how it feels.

Fun should not mix with trouble. 

It's amazing how fat a guy can feel after 2 double cheese burgers and a pack of deep fried chicken... 

REVIEW!!!!

Harry Potter and the half-blood prince.

Personally, the movie was a flop. Lacked story, lacked action. Nothing much to say really. After the excitement of the previous films, this latest one was far below expectations. Many of the ideas were unlinked and that basically made the film seem like an unprofessional joining of short stories. Sure, the graphics were good, but after the repeated use of the same locations, it does get rather dry. 

Over all, not worth watching more than once. Wait for a friend's DVD or what not. 

This ain't how it's gonna stay right? I hope... 

To love and to hold

Dear diary,

Time passes real quick. Well, not that I just noticed but just saying. Troubles come and troubles go but hope remains the same. Ever so refreshing, ever so powerful. 

I had a rather interesting conversation conversation this morning, someone asked me the same question I've been asking myself this while and I didn't have an answer. It's like I'm feeling the effects but I know not the cause. I guess I'm a little paranoid sometimes, but aren't we all guilty of that. 

2 days of exercise is taking it's toll on me. But I do feel in a sense, more fit :D It's an accomplishment then, leave it at that. 

Yours faithfully,

Peter Pates

I just counted time today and got quite a shock. It's been smooth sailing with the random storm stuck in here and there, blame the damned weather. Love me, love me not, the sun shall rise. 

Left Outside

Meant to live for so much more; have we lost ourselves?

There once was a time.

There once was a time when death reigned

When kids ran down streets shrieking not in joy, but in fear

There once was a time when it rained not water, but blood and bullets

Tears ran dry, blood curdled

The world, a dollhouse run over with a bulldozer

Pleasure of evil man at the cost of everyone else 

Scenes flashing past, like in a sadistic silent movie 

Indifference, cruelty, torture, ignorance, disgust

But times change. 

Then there was a time, 

Like when rainbows appear after a storm

Like how flowers bloom when winter ends

The brown was no longer of rust but of chocolate

The red no longer of blood but of roses

The green no longer of decay but of new life

The dawn of a new age

One of hope

Putting smiles back where they belong

Powering the world with love

That time is coming. 

Sunday night blues.

Ok, I know this is different from my usual posts but I gotta share this with the world. 

I almost choked to death on my saturday night dinner! I ate my rice too fast and it got stuck in my throat for like 15-20 minutes? And I kept puking phlegm, disgusting amounts of it. Probably some natural survival instinct. But, that didn't help. In the end I was saved by gulping down a can of coca-cola  :D 

Oh oh, and I got a PINK polo tee. S size! Amazing eh, first time in years I can fit an S sized shirt and it's my first pink shirt!

Dear diary,

Firstly, it's monday again tomorrow. Darn it, gotta face the whole routine of a week of work and scoldings again. Well of course I can't complain about the fun and joy :D The week that was is now over, and all events linked with it. Of course, the thoughts will linger, but they're mostly sorted. 

I've been considering writing a letter, or perhaps quite a number of letters. If in the event that I should pass away suddenly, at least I'll leave a goodbye. While I'm safe and well it does sound rather foolish, but we can't be too sure of anything now can we? If I had the time to, perhaps I would. Well, of course I'll be hiding them somewhere to make sure no one finds out about it before the due time. 

With love,

Peter Pates Su

The curtains close for the last time.

Curtains, hmph. What hurts the most. When you've lost your favourite toy, sometimes you wish you never had it. 

When I spent time to think this week, I had an aim. To find a reason, to find a solution, to turn my hopelessness into a new determination all anew. I was convinced that being me, I was unbreakable. But then I've failed momentarily, I still see this wall set in front of me. 

There is one truth, one life, three paths, a dozen opportunities, and an infinite number of possibilities. I'm unable to value the consequences, I'm unable to decide. Just this once, could I use my lifeline?

When I look into the mirror.

Something's changed. I don't know when, what, how or why. And I don't like it. 

When I saw my reflection today, I didn't see myself. I saw a guy, not yet a man but yet not a boy anymore. His frown seemed sewn into place, as if it had never left his face. He didn't look like he gave a damn about the world around him. He looked selfish, and uncaring. The eyes, with that passive and cold glare. The lips, straight and taunt, like that of an old man who'd seen his share of death. The man in the mirror, unfriendly, unloving. Had he forgotten his reasons to smile? 

My life in exchange for the world, sounds fair.

Down the road of dreams I was not meant to walk. When I reach the end of the rainbow, my pot of gold is gone. 

Why am I always forgotten? Why am I always alone? Why am I always abandoned? Why is my pulse no longer racing anymore? 

Love can't be this way, It shouldn't hurt like that. I won't play their game. No more compromises, I'll make a stand today. 

They say there'll be someone out there for me. She's just a  little out of sight. With patience she'll one day be right here by my side. I'll wait for her, and do this right. 

- Excerpts from 'Discovering Me'. Lyrics and music by Walter Yong. 

If  I had to disappear for this world to be happy, I would. For what is the sacrifice of one person. I don't like being forgotten when the storm appears, even more I don't like being forgotten on fair weather days. When I had that conversation, I started thinking, have I deceived myself these past few months? Have I neglected myself?  When everything is going great, I celebrate alone. When the world is the wrong way up, I fight alone. It's been a long while since the last, but I'm still hanging tight to hope. I still feel all the same, for what may it be that I can do?

The Pursuit of Happyness.

It's the race of my life, part of it anyway. But perhaps, I latch on to it and let myself get dragged by it. When you start running, don't look back, not even for me. 

Oh, by the by. I, am NOT, trouble free. Just so the world knows. I've just got a way of dealing with it, hope you guys find your way soon. 

When troubles seem too big, look around. There's always something bigger :) 

Lemon Tree

I wonder why, I wonder how........ haha good ol' memories.

What may it be that brings about this change of mood? 

Thank you! and you, and you and you and you.

OK HERE GOES. 

Thank you Qiaoyi! Franny! Lingfang! and of course Denise Ling! For anything and everything. When one my random moody moments appear, heh! I ain't alone. 

Like this and like that.

Blah me. You know, when you feel the world is starting to overlook, it kinda sucks. Common mistake I suppose.

It's the simple things that turn stuff around. Truthfully, that's what brings a smile to my face everyday. It makes a difference to me :) 

I guess my greatest fear is that the world will turn on me. Inside me there's always been this nightmare where I've got no one to turn to, not a single friendly smile to lighten my mood. It's rejection I fear. But with this fear I've built myself, slowly learning to overcome. 

REVIEW!!!

One of my random reviews when I'm too bored and don't feel like doing my homework.

Plaza Market Cafe- Fairmont Singapore (Raffles city) 3/5 stars from peter!

It's the great singapore sales and Fairmont's Plaza Market Cafe is having a 1 for 1 buffet dinner discount. Great peranakan food at $55 for two, regularly $55 per head. 

The ambience of the restraunt was fine, tables weren't too close together, lights not too dim. Perfect for a family dinner. Presentation of the food was nothing too fancy and allowed space for taking food without the usual buffet queues. 

Although the main dishes did lack a little variety, the spread consisted of dishes rarely seen elsewhere and the flavours complemented each other nicely, nothing was too spicy, salty or sour. The buffet offered popular local favourites like roasted pork and mutton curry, amongst others. Of the meat dishes, only the mutton curry was notable and worthy of second helpings. As for soups, the pork soup had a light taste to it which reminded one of home, although it did lack visual appeal. 

As with any other over-rated hotel buffet, the Japanese selection boasted only the usual sashimi, sushi, soba and chawamushi ( steamed egg ). 

The seafood corner yet again had a pathetic variety, however, the prawns, crabs and oysters seemed relatively fresh and were of reasonable size. 

It being a buffet, I was rather surprised when I discovered that simple bread and butter was also available and was actually not a waste of stomach space. It was probably the butter that made consuming all that carbohydrates worth it at a buffet. Unsalted, yet not too bland, with a creamy texture which didn't feel oily to the throat. 

Despite the lack of substantial dishes, the dessert table would be a blast to anyone who bothered to have sweet treat from time to time. From durian puree to creme brule, I must say it made my trip worthwhile. The durian puree had a smooth texture and would please any self respecting duran lover with it's sweet yet mildly bitter taste, which surprisingly was not overpowering. The bread pudding was nothing particularly notable, however the custard cream sauce did complement it nicely. The various other cakes, kuehs and pastries together with pulut hitam, looked as delicious as they tasted. 

Service was efficient and therefore mostly unnoticeable, which is good when you don't like being interrupted during your dinner. On the whole, the dinner was worth it with the current offer. But on a regular day, the price would probably count as quite a rip-off. 

Wisdom is a gift.

Dear diary,

Currently feeling rather troubled. I feel more like 50 than 15. The way I don't understand the troubles of the people my age. The way their troubles sound so simple to solve. It leaves me perplexed. Is it simply me, or has the world really been existing in such a fog of evil? Every attempt I make to help seems to result in finding even more brick walls, deaf ears, blind eyes and hopeless hearts. 

I know I'm that way once in awhile, and I'm told that's just natural. To the world is it really a daily struggle? I'd rather not have to experience it myself, but if that's what it takes to understand, perhaps I should try. To simply let the troubles block my vision of the light bit by bit. To for as long as it requires, shut out all hope, all love and all forms of help from my life. I won't survive long, so how do they do it? I might find the answers that way, but I'd prefer an alternative solution. 

With much distress,

Pete

You can't hope to win just doing nothing!

Hmm, you gotta practice what you preach. Just hope I get a little closer to doing that. Imagining and experiencing is way way different. 

"Wish I had someone, and somewhere to go"

"Why do I even bother to try, No one's gonna notice me."

"I don't think I'm ready, to have someone to hold. I wanna listen to my heart, not the sayings of the world." 

"Looking back, I'm thankful I never gave in to the pressures of fitting in."

-From the lyrics of various songs featured in The 17 Year Old Virgin

Some lyrics speak what you mean, so well. 

Ever so often I find myself longing for a Cinderella in my life. Perhaps someone who will for once see me as a prince charming. Fairy tales, we still love them even though we know that in the world, plastic melts. If you get what I mean. Whoever you may be, wherever, know that I'll be faithful and true. Simply said, I've had my fair share of observing the world. As much as I would enjoy it, I understand that not everyday can be spent living the dream. Why? Because some days have to be spent creating that dream and building it up. Good stuff happens overnight, yes. But still, more good stuff requires more work time too. 

I've got no apologies for who I am and what I do. Sure regrets exist but, on the whole, I dare say I got my facts right. My game of patience is one I'm still learning to appreciate. Let's just say I've learnt the lesson, but sometimes get lazy of revising it. 

You can't hope to win, doing nothing!

THANK YOU GOD

Honestly, I didn't expect it to come even close to what it was. Everything went great, there was simply nothing to fault. The audience was a blast. Even all my imagination was not enough to foresee the actual outcome. What more could I have possibly hoped for? I didn't mix up, no one else did. 

"If velocity equals distance over time, then let velocity approach infinity, because I wanna spend eternity with you." - From the Script of The 17 Year Old Virgin.

When you look me in the eye.

Faith, hope and love. Of these, the greatest is love. But why? The answer is rather simple, if love is correctly understood. Love can bring about hope and faith. 

In my perspective, love has no conditions attached. That was how it was made, and that is how it should be. It does not need to be a two way thing. It's a commitment. Requiring genuine selflessness, undying persistence and perhaps courage. 

Why do I say this? When you love the people around you, it's a willful choice to be ready to sacrifice something for them. Be it time, emotions, wealth or who knows maybe even life itself. Loving someone isn't an on and off thing, not something you do when you feel the person deserves it, and forgetting it when the person has wronged you. You've got to care, to not mind giving up a bit of yourself for another, no matter the circumstance. 

This being said, dare you love? Do you have the courage to put others in a higher position of importance than yourself? 

I love You because You first loved me.

My provider, my comforter, my friend, my justice, my hope, my lord, my wisdom, my light, my love, my everything.